Saturday, November 22, 2008

Eddy & the Cruiser

I was driving through the rain tonight. It was a long drive back from my friend's house, and with this virus I was zoning out a little, huddled as I was in my hood and scarf, with the heater on full blast. As I passed beneath the mammoth structures of the new freeway, amongst the tiny bullets of rain pelting down, I saw something flutter down towards me; a tiny, twirling thing, pushing its way through the manic suicide-dives of its fellow travellers.

The tiny thing was swept away from me as it got caught in the eddy of streaming air around my car, and, somewhat paradoxically, for a moment, time did not exist. It was beautiful, fragile, the potential for the moment was endless, inconsequential and exponential, all at once. I felt strong, and renewed, and reminded of the fact that there is magic all around me, at all times, even though more often than not I feel like it has left me for good.

I know this feeling won't last. I know tomorrow when I go back to work I'll feel the apathy tightening again. So I'm trying as hard as I can to hold onto that image. Trying to hold onto the idea that such feeling is readily accessible even to someone as cynical as myself.

In that moment, everything was Right. Every piece of my life was in its correct place, everything, no matter how painful or hard it has been, happened, is happening, for good reason, and no matter what the outcome is, it will be OK. I don't necessarily believe in destiny, except that which I create for myself, so I have to believe I'm creating the perfect future for myself.

If I live long enough, I guess we'll see how that works out.

Monday, November 17, 2008

All is fair in.... ah, what bullshit.

The shower does not hide the taste of salt on my cheeks; if anything, it is magnified, both on my tastebuds and in my head. The pain echoes off the tiles, bouncing back at me with tactical precision.

I won so many battles, but in the end, I lost the war.

A good General, however, never completely gives up all her options, nor does she give away her Top Secret Plans. Those are tucked safely away; give it a few years.

Because this particular piece of territory is too good to give up; let the rebels have it for a while, let them cover it in their communist slogans, let them destroy the infrastructure, deplete the gold reserves and ruin its natural beauty. I'll still be here waiting for when they get bored and move on to the next piece of land. In the meantime, I have other territories to conquer, other places to see. I will not be sitting on my laurels, I will not be curled up in my room moping, I will not be that person.

And if you don't like it, I'm sure my musket can take care of that for you. Pfffft.