Monday, September 22, 2008

Hesitation and subjugation

When so many people say something about you, it becomes easy to believe it after a while. Since I was a child, I was told how bright I was, how intelligent, that one day I'd 'go far'.

But the truth is, I've deceived them all.

Yes, I am very good. I am very good at understanding the bare essentials of almost any topic you can think of, and convincing you that I'm an expert. I float on the top of the ocean of knowledge, never choosing any one specialty to dive into, to dedicate my attention, or time, or life to. You think I'm going to become a Maritime Archaeologist, purely because I've convinced you I will.

I wish I had something to be proud of. I wish there was something I could hold up and go, "Look at what I've achieved".

I can be a pretty good writer; I've won awards for poetry and short-stories (published, even, but not many people knew that). I'm a good musician; I can pick up the basics of most stringed instruments, and have a talent - up to a point - for the harp (I play by ear, because I never really picked up theory well). I can argue politics, because I have a certain naivety in terms of ideology that some people find charming. I know a little about a lot of different periods of history, science and literature, and have even read the Old English version of Beowulf. I can easily see three sides to an argument, and choose any one depending on my mood and company.

Essentially, I'm a good actor. I can pretend to be all these things, to do all these things, and at times I even enjoy it. I think of all the characters I have played, and it reads like a Shakespearean cast list. Or perhaps a Greek Tragedy would be more suitable.

Hell, maybe I'm acting right now.

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